I should really re-read LotR again.
My Neighbor is an Elf
For a long time now I have suspected that my neighbor, Celebrimbor Curufinwë, is an elf. A puzzling incident first tipped me off in May. I was picking up grapefruit at the Waban Market when I saw Martha Curufinwë at the check-out counter. She was buying a birthday card, a cake, and 650 boxes of candles. Later that summer, some raccoons ripped open Celebrimbor’s trash and scattered it along the street. I was shocked to find several large chunks of lembas, some still covered by their leaf-wrappings.
I reread the Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Silmarillion, and the Unfinished Tales of Númenor and Middle-Earth. These chronicles didn’t really help me out, so I skimmed through David Day’s Illustrated Encyclopaedia and visited the Encyclopedia of Arda Online. Finally, I gave up on the second hand sources and rode to Minas Tirith to study the original manuscripts for myself. Landlord Beregond’s scroll, entitled “Peculiarities of the elfish tenant,” confirmed my suspicions. I suppose that a few of you may think that my conclusion is ill-founded. But I have compiled three solid arguments that will surely remove all of your doubts.
As my first argument, I’d like to point out that Celebrimbor has many of the talents associated with the fair folk. Over Christmas vacation, I crossed paths with him several times during his morning jog. He wears the lightest of shoes and runs nimbly on top of unplowed snow, leaving little imprint. He is so into running that sometimes he takes a day off from work to jog to Chatham and back. I know few men who can do this. His eyesight, too, is uncanny. One time, he laughingly pointed out that the landing gear on a passing jet was still down. I could barely make out the contrail. He never leaves home without a bow and quiver, and he weaves the most amazing ropes out of hithlain fibers. Finally, he sings nonsensical songs about Elbereth when he’s tending his garden, and his co-workers are already excited about organizing his surprise 6000th birthday party. Although these observations do not verify his elfhood, it’s fair to say they show he’s not your average man.
Second, Celebrimbor’s house is most unusual. In fact, it’s not really a house at all. It’s an enormous tree. It didn’t look like a maple, an oak, or a sequoia, so I took it upon myself to identify its leaves.
Entering his yard was an experience in itself. I suppose you might say “that I had stepped through a high window that looked on a vanished world. A light was upon it for which my language had no name. I saw no color but those I knew, gold and white and blue and green, but they were fresh and poignant, as if I had at that moment first perceived them and made for them names new and wonderful. On the property of Curufinwë there was no stain.” Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Well, I picked up a golden leaf from the ground and took it inside to examine with a magnifying glass. Sure enough, the leaf structure matched perfectly with the Audubon Society Guide’s picture of the Lothlorien Mallorn. Who other than an elf would live in a plant indigenous to middle earth.
My last arguments focuses on Celebrimbor’s strange obsession with the ocean. I’ve often hear him sing, “To the Sea, to the Sea! The white gulls are crying, / The wind is blowing, and the white foam is flying. / West, west away, the round sun is falling. Grey ship, grey ship, do you hear them calling.” Moreover, he left Waban for the entire month of March to set sail in his small wooden vessel. He returned from the voyage sad and withdraw. There is only one explanation. He is searching for the straight road to Valinor. Only an elf would ever search for that elusive path.
Is my neighbor Celebrimbor Curufinwë truly an elf? The facts overwhelmingly support that he is of Noldor descent. I hope that my speech has at least left you with much to ponder and that a few of you now understand the sense of wonder and awe I feel when I consider that a high elf has graced my street with his presence.
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