Hancock

Sometimes action movies are startling bad. The film opens with mayhem. The viewer catches fragmentary glimpses of inflammables colliding amidst a cacophony of screechings, presumably extracted from the death throes of molested sows. The scenes lurch awkwardly through fragmented plot space full of ill-conceived coincidences and monomaniacal protagonists. Such affairs are generally quite dull.

Hancock's opening moments, though, present a promising anti-hero and an action scene full of EXPLOSIVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Who is this drunken mess of a super-hero? Where did he come from, why does he act like a buffoon? It's hard not to be intrigued. There are several incongruities in the world (why exactly would prisoners try to pick a fight with a superman?), but they can be overlooked. There's a gratifying sense of suspense - Will Smith is capable of snapping children in half if he's feeling piqued, or demolishing houses with a misplaced flex of a bicep. And Will Smith is even able to coax some humor out of the script.

With such a fantastic central idea and an encouragingly competent introduction, it was all the more heartbreaking to see this movie take a sharp plunge into idiocy. A mistimed and totally confounding plot twist sends the entire film reeling. All respect for character motivation and consistency is hastily discarded, and the carefully cultivated developments of the first half of the film are abandoned by an astonishing indifferent director. Did no one watch the movie through? Did anyone question why a poorly conceived and totally unnecessary plotline was thrust into an interesting story? I, for one, would rather have seen zombie tambourine men swarm the city streets demanding civil rights for iguanas. I wanted the old plot back, and the increasingly nonsensical parade of inadequately explained occurrences did little to convince me that the film's new direction was worth pursuing (The revelations concerning Hancock's background are not only implausible, but unimaginative. It would have been better if the writers had not attempted an explanation).

As the story limped to its conclusion, I could not help but grieve for the film that could have been. The clever and innovative scenes unrealized, an elevation of mundane personal problems into crises of federal concern. How fun it could haven been to watch a city deal with an unbalanced and destructive superman. Instead, the crises in this film are all internal, as the movie frantically endeavors to recall what it's supposed to be about.

Behold, a Tree

It shineth.

And let us all be thankful for the return of Mr. Tusks.

February promises more intelligent posts, But until then ...

Photo Spam

Some photos, to educate and amuse!

For those with flash:


A link for those who fear the plug-ins:

Misc and CCL Adventures

The Nerding

In an effort to track down my sadly neglected CV, I stumbled upon an old speech I wrote as part of a mandatory high school public speaking class. I was fortunate that graduatation spared me from the impending nerd-lynching.

I should really re-read LotR again.

My Neighbor is an Elf

For a long time now I have suspected that my neighbor, Celebrimbor Curufinwë, is an elf. A puzzling incident first tipped me off in May. I was picking up grapefruit at the Waban Market when I saw Martha Curufinwë at the check-out counter. She was buying a birthday card, a cake, and 650 boxes of candles. Later that summer, some raccoons ripped open Celebrimbor’s trash and scattered it along the street. I was shocked to find several large chunks of lembas, some still covered by their leaf-wrappings.

I reread the Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Silmarillion, and the Unfinished Tales of Númenor and Middle-Earth. These chronicles didn’t really help me out, so I skimmed through David Day’s Illustrated Encyclopaedia and visited the Encyclopedia of Arda Online. Finally, I gave up on the second hand sources and rode to Minas Tirith to study the original manuscripts for myself. Landlord Beregond’s scroll, entitled “Peculiarities of the elfish tenant,” confirmed my suspicions. I suppose that a few of you may think that my conclusion is ill-founded. But I have compiled three solid arguments that will surely remove all of your doubts.

As my first argument, I’d like to point out that Celebrimbor has many of the talents associated with the fair folk. Over Christmas vacation, I crossed paths with him several times during his morning jog. He wears the lightest of shoes and runs nimbly on top of unplowed snow, leaving little imprint. He is so into running that sometimes he takes a day off from work to jog to Chatham and back. I know few men who can do this. His eyesight, too, is uncanny. One time, he laughingly pointed out that the landing gear on a passing jet was still down. I could barely make out the contrail. He never leaves home without a bow and quiver, and he weaves the most amazing ropes out of hithlain fibers. Finally, he sings nonsensical songs about Elbereth when he’s tending his garden, and his co-workers are already excited about organizing his surprise 6000th birthday party. Although these observations do not verify his elfhood, it’s fair to say they show he’s not your average man.

Second, Celebrimbor’s house is most unusual. In fact, it’s not really a house at all. It’s an enormous tree. It didn’t look like a maple, an oak, or a sequoia, so I took it upon myself to identify its leaves.

Entering his yard was an experience in itself. I suppose you might say “that I had stepped through a high window that looked on a vanished world. A light was upon it for which my language had no name. I saw no color but those I knew, gold and white and blue and green, but they were fresh and poignant, as if I had at that moment first perceived them and made for them names new and wonderful. On the property of Curufinwë there was no stain.” Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Well, I picked up a golden leaf from the ground and took it inside to examine with a magnifying glass. Sure enough, the leaf structure matched perfectly with the Audubon Society Guide’s picture of the Lothlorien Mallorn. Who other than an elf would live in a plant indigenous to middle earth.

My last arguments focuses on Celebrimbor’s strange obsession with the ocean. I’ve often hear him sing, “To the Sea, to the Sea! The white gulls are crying, / The wind is blowing, and the white foam is flying. / West, west away, the round sun is falling. Grey ship, grey ship, do you hear them calling.” Moreover, he left Waban for the entire month of March to set sail in his small wooden vessel. He returned from the voyage sad and withdraw. There is only one explanation. He is searching for the straight road to Valinor. Only an elf would ever search for that elusive path.

Is my neighbor Celebrimbor Curufinwë truly an elf? The facts overwhelmingly support that he is of Noldor descent. I hope that my speech has at least left you with much to ponder and that a few of you now understand the sense of wonder and awe I feel when I consider that a high elf has graced my street with his presence.

Staggering Blogging Inertia

Ah ha, the mental dam has broken, and the salivary ducts of the mind have released a flood of link spam. If you read Slashdot, you'll probably recognize most of these links.

[BioTech] 23andMe:

This is pretty cool! For 1000 bucks, these guys (and gals) will run a bucket of your spit through some Illumina SNP panels and then post the results online for your perusal. Why should you care? Well, they've developed some nifty tools that range from interesting and largely frivolous (tracing your ancestry) to revolutionary (calculating your probability of developing certain diseases or conditions later in life). It's personalized medicine, for quite a reasonable price! The caveat, of course, is that SNPs are correlated with rather than the cause of most of these diseases, many of which have complex and poorly understood inheritance patterns and/or are heavily influenced by environmental factors. Learning that you have a 25% increased chance of developing colon cancer may not do you much good unless you can track down a knowledgeable geneticist who is willing to explain the relevant literature to you. Still ... since I don't have to pay next month's rent ...

Here's an interested Wired article that goes into greater depth.

[Humor] Robert Redford is my hero:

As is John Coulton. Just read this blog post.

[Being a Fanboy] Girl Genius is starting to get quite interesting

Alas, at 12:00am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I am hunched over my computer, furiously pressing F5 as rivulets of sweat trace the furrows of my wrinkled brow. I whoop with abandon as the Girl Genius homepage finally reveals a glorious panel of exploding clockwork, and do a small jig.

If you are not familiar with this comic by Studio Foglio, I recommend that you get acquainted (yes, that's Phil and Kaja Foglio, whose names you may recognize if you were into Magic cards back in the day [or now ...]). The comic is an over-the-top romp through a pseudo-steampunk world of fantastic science and political machinations. It's well worth a read for almost any fan of fantasy and good fun.

[Dumb] Cat Flushing a Toilet

It's all about the commentary.


Thus on the 1st night of the 12th month of the 2007th year ends the current installment of Link Spam.

An Introduction

There comes a time in a man's life when he realizes that oysters are flavorful, that the Tofu is a noble curd, and that popovers are a most delectable anomaly of kitchen physics. There comes a time when he realizes that campanologists make for poor roommates, and that one can't conjugate a conifer or decline a Diospyros. There comes a time for reveling in the glory of cheese, and a time when ingestion of dairy products exceeds the recommended biological threshold. Indeed, there comes a time to print words just because they sound silly (e.g. unguiculated or megachurch).

Alas, there also comes a time early in the morning, when one's better judgement has turned in for the night, when one simply must start a blog. So, this site will primary display:

1) Links to cool things that I have found on line. Expect links to bio or computer science articles, stories of the weird, startlingly ill-conceived merchandise, or videos featuring juggling, cats, or juggling cats (I've yet to find anything in this last category. If you know of any videos, preferably where the cats are doing the juggling, do let me know!).

2) Random words or quotes that must be preserved in the eternal and inviolable memory of the Internet.

3) Short rants, discourses, or fictional stories of dubious quality.

Hope you enjoy!